I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
