The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
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I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
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Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.