So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?