Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting