I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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