so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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