he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
