moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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