I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
