I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
