If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
