It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
