The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
from now on my penis is your penis
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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