I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
