this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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