yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
