My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
