I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tequila makes me forget i have legs
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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