My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.