I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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