My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
