true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
