I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
