from now on my penis is your penis
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
My balls are so social today.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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