Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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