I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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