i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Randomize
