im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
