im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
