I hate all girls vehemently.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
