This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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