my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
