omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
