Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
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We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
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thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
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