don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
