If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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