dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
i think i just lost a toe
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
