I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
