I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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