How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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