If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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