youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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