you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
