I need help removing her.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
