We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
