I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
