the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You smell like a Billy Joel song
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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