I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
