I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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