You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
