so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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