you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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