k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
