Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
