Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
