Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
