I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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