Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
