I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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