making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
