At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
