No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
